Is Kevin Transsexual? Is Bean an Ass-burger??

Kevin was late for the show this morning (he didn’t get in until the middle of Ralph’s early Showbiz Report).  Melissa called in and revealed that he overslept, and was putting on his eye cream!  Needless to say, he got lots of teasing about that: “He’s making Ryan Seacrest look butch, with the eye cream, the clean underwear, and bleached hair!”  “We all support our friend, coming out as a transsexual.”

Drop by the 2nd Christmas CD signing tomorrow night at the Woodland Hills Best Buy in Canoga Park, at 6pm! 

Roxanne Update – The boys talked to the 21-year old listener whose parents both died, is raising her 3 siblings by herself, and living in half-a-house.  Listener Jesse Crawford, a general contractor, who voluntarily is in charge of the completing the house went to check out the house yesterday, and called in to summarize the situation: which is worse than first thought.  They still need listener-donated help, like an AC condenser, roofing material, carpet, toilets, sinks, bathtub, plumbing, light fixtures, and money (details on donating money are being worked out).  If you can help, contact Jesse at:  crawfordconstco@hotmail.com

Apprentice Andy – The 22 year old fired Harvard grad called in.  “Yeah, I got beaten by girls, which is kinda the story of my life.”  He revealed that the shouting in his Boardroom episode actually went on for a good half an hour, and he was so amused by it, that he just sat back and watched, which caused him to be fired.  Bean: “My ears were bleeding just listening to those girls - I wanted a rifle and a shallow grave in Joshua Tree for BOTH of them!”   

Tustin Best Buy Signing Wrap-Up  - The gang enjoyed meeting everyone at the signing last night (Bean noted that the OC people were better looking and “redeemed themselves” compared to the Orange calendar signing last month).  Ralph was amazed by the Tustin Marketplace: “6 huge malls in ONE place!”  Although the traffic around it left much to be desired.  As usual, Bean made rude comments to people, like “Hey, are you really that short?"  (He defended himself; “She was like an antenna ball!  I’m just sayin!”) And “Why do you have so much trouble with such an easy task??  You should get some Asians to help you.”  And to Miss Double D Christy: “If you hadn't won this year, would you have run again next year? Cause you're not getting any younger!” He also got seriously pissed at the security tag machine constantly going off,  which no one else really even noticed.  In any case, he says he still enjoyed it, and looks forward to tomorrow nights signing in Canoga Park. 

Bean’s Asperger Syndrome? – Speaking of Bean’s bevaior, is our man an Ass-burger?  Symptoms of the autistic condition include: clumsy and awkward movements (check: he hits his head constantly); is bothered by lights or sounds that no one else can hear (check: like at the Best Buy last night!); difficulty in social relationships (oh man, is that ever a check!); awkward posture (have you seen his picture on the official site??); obsessed by complex or obscure subjects (2 words: post office.  Or Edmund Fitzgerald); and inability to recognize inappropriateness of comments (we have a winner!!)  

Ralph: “Or he could just be a dick.” Kevin: “I’ve been working with Bean for 20 years, and there’s not a doubt in mind that he’s got at least some Ass-burger in him!”   Ralph: “Lisa, what’s with us, working with one guy with Asperger, and another guy who’s mildly retarded??”

Listeners called in with their comments, including: a woman whose son is obsessed with maps and the weather (Bean admits he loves maps and visits Metzger’s Map Store a lot); a not-very-professional psychologist who hilariously blurted out, “Dude, he’s totally got it.”; and Alan who has been diagnosed with it, and admits to being obsessed with maps, lists of statistics, military insignations, uniforms, and video games.  Ralph is doubtful: “Could you just be a geek, sir!?”

Bit: Donald Trump’s an Asshat – The arrogant tycoon bragged recently on Larry King that he could make peace in the Middle East.   “I am a person who is selfless.  If I can settle the feud between bill and Omarosa, I can do anything!  I’d say, Palestininans, you’re fired.  Then they have to leave the boardroom of the Gaza Strip.”  He read aloud a letter he wrote in the latest Maxim issue, bragging about his wealth, and just being, well, a complete asshat.

Ralph Showbiz Report

The city has been rocked by the breaking news that an LA radio personality has been masquerading as a man for years!!  Who is it??  Melissa revealed earlier in the morning that not only has Kevin used eye cream,  “I’m married to a girl, no question.”  Needless to say, the others had a field day with him: “So how many lotions do you guys share? What types of tampons do you prefer?  I like the kind with wings……hey, they have ones with jet packs too, for you Bean.”  “You just haven’t had the surgery, yet, have you?”

Lindsay Lohan upset Wilmer back by going back to Mandy Moore, and is looking for some hottie to go out with for revenge.  Meanwhile her dad has threatened to kill the whole family.  Ugh.  “He should wait until after he’s seen The Love Bug.”

Nick and Jessica’s Christmas Special tonight!  Dear god.  No word on whether 70s baseball star Johnny Bench will be on again… 

Colin Farrell was once wanted for murder, but police found they had the wrong guy.  Kevin revealed that he too was once wrongly arrested for grand theft auto.  “Did they let you put on eye cream in jail??”    

Ken Jennings lost!  How did he lose on a relatively easy question?  “He claims he had Asperger Syndrome.”  He’s got a lecture tour, book deals, etc., so he’ll be fine.

Tom Brokaw’ last broadcast is tonight!  Kevin doesn’t care:  “Who watches TV news??”  The others are surprised by his disdain,“What, were you molested by a newscaster or something??  What if he had some eye cream, would you care then?”

Tomorrow: Ken Jennings, the creator of the awesome fark.com, Dr. Drew on Asperger’s Syndrome, and Kevin Smith!